Swallow your Pride, girl...

okay, i decide to forgo the entries that i wanted to write (yet did not have time to) long ago.... I don't want to procrastinate for too long because my memory is failing too...

Since I started my new job, my brain just got defragmented... all i remember are tenants, merchants, unit numbers, contact names, email adds/hps, mechanics offered and the list of things that are expected to be completed by day end!!
There seems to be no room for other personal matters...i get nightmares on weekdays and i even dream of having to go to work on a Sun morning.....Dread feel!!!

Everyday I really dread going to work... i hate the feeling of having to go to work... this feeling is worse than the phobia i had from my ex-supervisor 4+ years ago...(10x more?!!!, maybe!!)

Sometimes i wonder if its myself, the nature of job or my boss that is causing me to have all these fear, unhappiness, phobia...

Myself?
If i can work at some place paying PeAnUtS for 4 years, it should prove that i have great patience and endurance... Whatsmore, i have always been appreciated by my boss, big boss and even big big boss ; so it shouldn't be ME, right?

Nature of job?
Calling merchants to squeeze them for offers... hmmm, its an 'OK' job if you have enough time and also enough merchants to play around with (ie. u don't call the same merchant every month to get them to give discounts to your members as common sense tells you; if someone keeps calling u to squeeze you, you should run right?) The problem i have NOW is I'm asked to call the same old merchants again and again and AGAIN... Actually i feel very pai seh... "Dear tenants, i hate to disturb you too, but i really have no choice!! Pressure from Management"
More importantly, i have done merchant servicing before... I'm quite good at customer service and knowing merchants... so does it mean its also not the nature of the job?? THEN??

My boss????????
Frankly speaking, i do not know what my boss is thinking...She looks steady & calm on the outside but deep inside, I'm unable to understand what she's thinking or rather, can she understand the position of her staff, her team? Has she tried to think in our position given that we have no marketing, communications, advertising experience?? (then what am i doing in this job??? i dunno also!!)
I feel really stressed when its 10am every morning because its Quick Chat time or for some of you, its called the WIP time (Work In Progress)..Sometimes i know what i need to do for the day but somehow i just feel pressurized speaking up to her...

Is it my incompetency or am i facing too high an expectation that no matter how hard i try, i don't seem to be able to meet.... Someone please give me directions!!!!

Even now that i have ideas, i don't know when its a good time to share... i feel proud of my achievements to tie up established merchants but seems that no one shares the same sentiments...Where & Who do i turn to for appreciation and gratification??

Do you think i should stay on? But its not my style to give up so easily...but i cant take it (most of the times...i even have to cry it out at least twice a week to let it out)

End of the day, I just have to tell myself, if you want to be successful, you want to switch industry, learn about Marketing, Advertising & Communications, cast aside your inborn leadership skills, swallow your pride and do as you are told, GIRL!!